Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
