My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
