doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
