she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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