why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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