I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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