Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
