And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
