i think i have two assholes
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
