I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
