dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
too bad you live with your parents still
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
