The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
