walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
