i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
