You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
