My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
