Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
