Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
