12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
