I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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