I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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