i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
