there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
