god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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