I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
