I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
