What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
