he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
