he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
