Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
