Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
