even my farts smell like vagina
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
