Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I smell like Dick and happiness
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
