I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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