sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want her autograph on my taint
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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