I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
