Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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