just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
