I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
