You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
