she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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