i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
