Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
