Umm I'm too high to move.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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