I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
