Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
