so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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