Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
