I could make wine with my vomit
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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