Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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